i took seven steps forward. a tidal wave came and knocked me seven thousand steps back. everything is heavier than ever and i don't want to be in pain anymore. i don't want to be afraid. i want to be free. i want to believe in the goodness of people and i want to believe that it can be safe for me to love and rely on someone. for my needs to be met. this can't be all there is. there's no way. that's impossible.