You seriously need to see a professional to help with your mental health. You are too much in your own head & that's not good because we are always our own greatest critics. I know the thought of laying yourself open to a stranger is daunting but I had counselling at age 20 & it's honestly why I'm still around now at age 50. They don't judge and they just make it easier for you to work through stuff ,giving you the tools to be able to do it yourself ultimately