I think another factor of what is keeping me lonely is that let's say I get back to where I was and in a good place even better maybe and of course this isn't a given but I start making some good close friends and maybe get into a good relationship I just fucking know I will feel like it is all conditional even if it's not and having friends, a relationship, and support will not be as gratifying when I'm in a place where I don't genuinely need it like of course I'm still gonna try but yknow.