Your feelings are valid. It must be hard sitting in patient's shoes while of course you know what the treating doctor is going to do. And sometimes or probably most of the times, when treating our medical colleague, we think they can easily understand the treatment plan etc because the patient is a doctor himself/herself. But we may forget that doctor is also a human being. We struggle with emotion too, like other people

Hopefully someday you will meet someone whom you can share your emotional struggles. I have met a lot of NCD patients who literally saying they are giving up about their illness (btw, I am a doctor treating NCD patients most of my time). I wish I have all the time in the world to listen to my patients stories and their emotional struggles. Still trying my best. Don't give up in your journey! You can do it!